Before The Feast
by skullfarmer
Summary: A bit of tomfoolery; Dumbledore,Snape and STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. Complete
1. Default Chapter

BEFORE WE FEAST  
By Ed Cowell  
  
"Butterscotch lollipop."  
For once,Snape had guessed the password on the first try. The door swung open. He swept into the Headmaster's office. It seemed to be empty; soft noises filled the room. He surveyed the sleeping figures in the portraits  
on the walls; they remained asleep.  
When Fawkes saw Snape, he made a happy noise. Fawkes seemed to like him; it was as if he could see inside Snape,and saw something no one but he could see. Snape stroked the bird's beautiful head. "Where is he,Fawkes?"  
Fawkes poked his beak towards the door leading to the balcony.  
Snape opened the door to a gentle night breeze.   
Dumbledore was out there,leaning against the brass railing,staring at the   
glittering stars. He wore a vivid red robe. It accented his bone-white hair,which he had let it down; it danced in the wind.   
"Headmaster? Aren't you coming down to the feast?"  
"Yes,Severus,I shall be there momentarily."  
The elderly,brilliant wizard seemed so lost in thought; Snape couldn't help being curious. There were many things he wondered about Albus Dumbledore.  
Snape leaned against the railing alongside him.  
"What is it?"  
"Something's troubling me,Severus. I've been out here,thinking."  
"Whiling away the night,wondering what has been,what is,and what is to be?"  
"No,Severus,actually,I was thinking about STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION."  
"Oh,no..."  
"I know you never liked it."  
"No...I just never got the chance to see it...you know I don't do well with Muggle things...I know you see more in them than I could ever hope to find.  
I tried it a few times and it frustrated me. But what-"  
"Which one of us is Picard?"  
"What?"  
"Of all of us,which one of us is Picard?"  
"You're the only Picard around here,Albus.Even if you still have all your hair."  
"There...are...FOUR...LIGHTS!"  
"Worthy of Patrick Stewart himself."  
"What about Riker?"  
"With or without the beard?"  
"Good point. I think we can agree that Poppy is Dr. Crusher."  
"Then who's Dr. Pulaski?"  
"Oh,who cares about Dr. Pulaski?"  
"Of course,Sibyl would have to be Troi."  
"Of course."  
"Except she's not a tenth as annoying as Troi ever was. Sibyl Trelawney,  
on her most trying day,could not come close to the horror that was Deanna  
Troi." He rolled his eyes and raised his voice a few octaves."Oh,captain,  
I'm sensing HOSTILITY."  
Dumbledore grinned. "Worf?"  
Snape didn't hesitate. "Hagrid."  
Albus laughed. "Then,of course,there were all those incidental characters like Barclay and Mot and Guinan that will be more difficult,but...wait,what about Geordi?"  
"Alastor,because he has the...eye thing...going on."  
"Wesley Crusher...hmmm..."  
Snape rolled his eyes. "Potter."  
"I'm fresh out of characters,Severus. We'll finish this later. Let's go to the Feast before they realize we're gone."  
The trouble was that he couldn't stop thinking about it. As he stuffed himself at the feast,he couldn't help wondering about Data and Q. He bit  
into a piece of chicken and thought "Quirrel. Quirrel would have been a perfect Lieutenant Yar..." 


	2. 2

Chapter 2  
  
Snape waited until Dumbledore finished his drink.  
"Albus?"   
"Yes,Severus?"  
"Something's bothering me."  
"Really." He moved closer to Snape. "Tell me."  
For a moment,he didn't know what to say. He knew Dumbledore would   
wait all night,but Snape was not as patient.  
"I can't stop thinking about it,Albus...am I..."  
"Yes,you are," Dumbledore smiled. "Except,of course, when you aren't."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"I don't know," Dumbledore said. "I'm just babbling."  
"You're not drunk,are you?"  
"I can't remember the last time I was drunk. I'm perfectly sober.I've  
been drinking water all evening. Is my eccentricity ever a pain?"  
"I have nothing but the highest respect for you. There have been times when we've been at odds,but I assume you're well aware of my opinion of you."   
"I trust you're aware that I hold you in high esteem."  
"I'm still trying to understand why," Snape said. "I suppose,  
someday,I'll figure it out...now,can I ask the question?"  
"Go ahead. What's troubling you,Severus?"  
"You recall the conversation we had on your balcony earlier tonight?"  
"I remember every word."  
"Well,we never determined which character I am. And now I can't   
get the thought out of my head...Albus,am I Q?"  
"Hmmm. Well...we agreed that I'm Picard. Sibyl over there is Troi.  
Harry-there he is-is Wesley Crusher. Poppy,Beverly Crusher. Hagrid is   
Worf-"  
"Do you know any Klingonese?"  
"You know,I tried learning it once,but I lost the book...I know how  
to say ROOF and UNFORTUNATE and EVISCERATE,but that's all. I should  
find another copy,really. Alastor is LaForge...we never came up with a Yar-"  
"I did," Snape said. "Quirrell."  
"Mmm. See,that's why you're most like Data. He wants to be human,  
and every day,wether you want to admit it or not,I see that in you.  
Every day you wage a battle between good and evil. I wish you could see the things that I see in you."  
"Sometimes I wish I could,too. But if I'm not Q,then who is? And   
what about Madame Hooch and Professor Sprout and Filius and-"  
"Don't strain yourself,Severus. Professor Flitwick is our Miles  
O'Brien."  
"I forgot about Chief O'Brien."  
"How could you forget about Colm Meaney?"  
"You're the expert on cinematic culture,Albus."  
"I'll have to take you to more films. You really would benefit from  
a good cinematic experience. As for Adrianna,I think she would have made a marvelous Lwaxana Troi."   
"Although Sprout is nowhere near as annoying as Lwaxana Troi."  
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.  
"What? Professor Sprout has never given me a reason to dislike her. She's fully aware of...who I was...and when she looks at me...well,  
the fact that she can look at me and not shake with revulsion is enough for me. I find her company...comforting,somehow."  
"I see."  
"And Madame Hooch? Simple...K'heylar."  
"Worf's wife."  
"Absolutely. Before she was murdered,of course."  
Snape was silent for a moment. Then he frowned.  
"What about Voldemort?" he asked.  
"Nagilum."  
"I don't remember Nagilum."  
"From the episode 'Where Silence Has Lease'. He was this huge  
...entity they encountered in a starless void and he wanted to  
kill a lot of the crew because he was curious about death."  
"Did he kill anyone?"  
"He killed one redshirt."  
"How did they-"  
"They just left him there,alone. Balanced out Good and Evil.  
As they did with Armus."  
"Armus..."  
"Come on,Severus. You remember Armus. 'Skin Of Evil',the creature  
that killed Yar. He was made up of negative thoughts and he wanted   
to get off the planet and Picard told him-" Dumbledore cleared his  
throat-"'I'm not taking you ANYWHERE.' and beamed back to the ship."  
"I have vague memories of it."  
"First day of vacation," Dumbledore said,"I'm going to lock you   
in your chambers with a complete set of NEXT GENERATION videos and   
you're going to watch every one of them."  
"Well,if I must..."  
"You must. The art of storytelling should be indulged in every way. It is an art practiced in both our worlds."  
"I should probably learn how to work a VCR,then."  
"A daunting task,I assure you."  
"But not impossible."  
Dumbledore looked at him over those glasses. "Nothing's impossible.  
Would you like something to drink?"  
"Just some water,Albus."  
Dumbledore handed him a glass of water. He drank every last drop.  
Then he had a thought.  
"What about THE X FILES?"  
"One story at a time,Severus." 


	3. 3

I had to do this one last chapter,just for a laugh. Thanks for your  
reviews,everyone.  
  
Aztec-glad it made you laugh...  
  
Jazz-You get not only one more chapter,but TWO!  
  
Silverdreamer-thanks a lot.  
  
Katherine-Here's your answer.  
  
NTS-Monty Python,huh? Hmmmm...  
  
3.  
  
Snape opened his eyes.  
He saw the stars first; they looked close enough to touch,on the  
other side of the window.  
He groaned.   
He seemed to be sitting at a long table.   
He saw no candles anywhere.  
On a whim,he said,"Lights."  
The lights came on.  
The room was horribly familiar.  
Snape saw his reflection in the table.  
He nearly fell out of the chair.  
Instead of panicking,he took a long look at his reflection in the table. His hair had not been altered,but...  
"My eyes...I look like Madame Hooch."  
He touched his face...his skin certainly felt real,but there was   
a sheen to it-  
"I am Data," he whispered.  
There was a Starfleet badge on his uniform.  
He thumped it. On a whim,he said "Dr. Crusher?"  
"Crusher here," he heard. It was not the voice of Gates McFadden.  
She sounded more like Poppy Pomfrey.  
"What is it,Data?"  
"I am not certain," he said. "...I think I...I think I should come  
down to sickbay..."  
"Data? Are you all right?"  
"No,Dr. Pomf...I mean,Crusher...I'm most assuredly NOT all right."  
There was a door leading out of the room. When he neared it,it  
opened all by itself.   
He stepped out of the room; he found himself in a corridor he only  
knew from the other side of a television set. Snape usually preferred  
to leave Muggle culture alone; usually it scared the wits out of him.  
Sometimes,though,he turned in that direction for intellectual   
stimulation,and had seen every episode of every STAR TREK series  
ever made. It was the writing,he supposed. Now,he stood in one of  
the corridors of the Enterprise...but the Enterprise had been  
destroyed in GENERATIONS. He decided thinking about it would just  
cause problems in the space-time continuum and started off down the  
hall.  
"Data," a familiar voice called.  
He stopped,wondering if Severus Snape had ever existed.  
Then he turned.  
The man coming toward him was supposed to be Geordi LaForge. However,  
he did not remember LaForge having a wooden leg.  
Merlin,he thought. It's happening. That's Geordi,but Alastor Moody's   
merged with him somehow-  
"Can I have a word?"  
"What is it?"  
"I just talked to Dr. Crusher."  
"And what did the good doctor have to say?"  
"She said you were mean to her."  
"I feel strange," he said. "I must get to the bridge."  
He ran away from Geordi; at the end of the hallway,there  
was another door marked TURBOLIFT 138.  
The doors swished open and he stumbled into the turbolift.  
"Bridge," he said.  
He felt the sensation of movement. After a moment,it stopped.  
The doors opened.  
Candles floated over the bridge. The instruments glowed in the   
intimate lighting. He stepped out of the turbolift.  
"Data?"  
One by one,the bridge crew turned to look at him. There was Hagrid,  
with the Klingon sash slung over his shoulder; Snape...or Data...or  
whoever he was...he tore his eyes away from Hagrid with difficulty.  
Hagrid was now a Klingon; he had never seen anything so fearsome or beautiful as Hagrid was right now.   
He turned towards the voice. Trelawney. Troi. There was no difference  
anymore because they were one.  
"Counselor," he said.  
"Data-"  
"Can it,Troi."  
He turned. Professor McGonagall stood on the other side of the  
room,the color of her emerald robes appropriated onto her   
Starfleet uniform.  
McGonagall was Number One.   
McGonagall was Riker?  
Fortunately,she didn't have a beard.   
"Now,now,Number One-"  
Picard rose from the Captain's chair.  
"-remember,we've repressed all the hostility out of our systems."  
It was true. Albus made a great Picard. Even if he still had all  
his hair.  
"Now,Data,what's the matter?"   
He cackled. "I have an OFF switch," he said. He pressed his fingers into his side. "If I find it,I don't want you activating it again."   
"Data," McGonagall sighed-"What-"  
"My name is NOT Data. None of this is really happening. And as soon as I find my Off switch-oh,WHERE is that BLOODY Off sw 


End file.
